Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Breaking Point

Just a word to the wise. Be mindful that if you plan to start your life in any sort of ministry that you WILL be spiritually attacked.

It can come in many shapes or forms, but be watchful so that you do not be discouraged. I'm hanging by a thread tonight and feeling so confused. But the Word tells us that we are not given a Spirit of confusion, but of sound mind.

It does get discouraging and I start to feel like I want to throw in the towel. But I am watchful. I know that there is nothing more that the Enemy wants than to disable me and keep me from doing what I know I'm supposed to.

But the attacks are hard and they are fast. And they are personal. He knows how to get to me in my soft spot. In my heart. And usually, he plays me against my husband. All it takes is a weakness and BAM! I feel like I'll snap.

But I can't stop. I can't give in. Thank you Lord for giving me this little pep talk. I feel a bit better.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fruition

It's so funny to me to re-read my entries.

I used to do it very often with Charlotte's page, but I'm consciously tring to "move on" and keep this blog rolling. I'm glad that I am writing down the things that have happened because some nights, I do need to re-read them. To remind myself that this is really happening and that all of the little things that connect together were not a figment of my imagination.

As I was driving home tonight I suddenly realized that my baby, my daughter, my teenager is helping me serve these teen moms. That somewhere in the middle of what God has called me to do, He has also placed her in the midst of it.

I had just picked up laundry supplies at Walmart and the thought crossed my mind to have a retreat weekend with some of *my* girls. I envisioned being at our timeshare, about 5 of the girls along with me and my daughter, and we were having a "girls weekend Bible retreat". My daughter and I were serving up the meals to the girls and then I snapped into the reality of just driving along. I got all misty eyed because I thought about... "How did I get to this place?" and "She has always been with me..."

If someone would have told me 15 years ago that I would be doing the things that I am doing because of the things that I have done with the people I have done them for, I would've said they were nuts. But here I am. And my baby girl is with me.

Don't get me wrong. We're really struggling right now. She is going thru all of the typical teenage things that I am sure I went thru, I just don't remmeber them being this way. She says I annoy her. She doesn't want to talk to me or look at me. She slams doors and talks back. But I love her. I just never imagined it would be this hard. Ever.

I wonder what she thinks of what I'm doing. I wonder if she understands. Does she want to be a part of it? She has a jealousy toward me like no other. I am trying to be careful to not let her think that these other girls are more to me than she is, because they are not. But I do feel a tremendous responsibility for them. And a buring love for her.

I was thinking the other day about how things have come to fruition. Ever since we moved into this house I wanted to have a Tea Party. I daydreamed about it and about who would come; figuring it would be ladies from our old church, and maybe a few friends. Then I let the idea go for a while but eventually resumed the thoughts, I suppose a couple of months back, when I started working with these moms. I figured it would cost too much $$ for me to rent tables and do the food and other things so I dropped it.

Well, at the end of this month, the Church is having a Tea. I signed up to host a table. Then I realized that I could have my girls come to that!! I'm so excited for them to be a part of it. There will be tea with an assortment of food, a fashion show and a guest speaker. The speaker has a tour called "The Master's Piece" and she is a potter. She does this whole schpiel about God while she makes pottery. I've heard great things about her.

Anyway, I'm really glad that I get the chance to take some of the moms. I'm hoping that they will be introduced to some things that they may not be used to in thier lives. I'm also taking my own daughter. I hope for her that the more she is around these girls, the more solidified her decision will be to wait until marriage to have sex. I also want her to see how difficult things can be, but there are people out there in this big wide world that care for the downcast and broken. I want these teen moms to feel it too.

But that's how things are happening for me. I seem to have a little idea about something, and thru no merrit of my own, it gets worked out. God is so good.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Today was beautiful

The luncheon was a huge success. ROH gathered over $14K in donations. The speakers were great, the food was delicious and Laura was very, very articulate. I was so impressed with her poise and style.

I think people in our community have gotten a taste for what ROH actually does. Laura shared many stories of help that they have been able to offer, but left out some of the more gruesome details. Like the time she went in for a home visit and found a baby that had maggots crawling out of a wound on his little butt. Stories like these are not just stories. They happen all the time in her line of work. I don't know how she does it. I'm sure many tears have been shed.

But today was a celebration. ROH was honored by the Leadership Development Committee and lots of people were there. There were 3 awards given to a grandmother, mother and child that ROH has worked closely with. It was simply beautiful.

Right before I left for the luncheon, my husband called and said he got a donation of diapers from one of his stores. Like 2 or 3 pallets of diapers. God is so good! Just in time for their Diaper Drive.

Caroline was there today. I haven't seen her since at least December. She moved out of state but still keeps in contact with Laura regularly. It was nice to visit with her. We reminisced about how we came to know each other and my new interest on the StandUp Girl website. I am so relaxed with her. She just "knows".

Tomorrow I have to take my old highchair to one of the girls. For some reason I am totally dragging my feet on this one. I don't know why.... Oh yes I do.

I'm attached to the highchair.

How lame is that? But I am. It has gone through 2 of my last 3 babies. It is in great condition and fully functional. But getting rid of it is like getting rid of the last vestiges of baby-dom. I have no more babies in the house and I don't know if I ever will again. That thought saddens me. So I try not to think that way. But I do need to get the chair to the girl. She does have a baby that is ready for it.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Big Day

Tomorrow is a big day. There is a fundraiser/luncheon for Ray of Hope with a lot of city officials and prominent business people there. I'm so excited for it because it's been a long time coming.

Ray of Hope is a non-profit childrens' services agency that was started by a man and his wife in an effort to help homeless children in our community. The director, Laura, is amazing. They started this program about 8 years ago, after visiting homeless children in a downtown area. All of their mothers were prostitutes and would kick the kids out to the streets at dusk so they could put their motel/apartments to use. Laura and her husband started ministering to these kids by bringing them food out of their car. They made it a recurring trip and befriended many o these little kids.

It soon turned into a much more comprehensive ministry. They solicited various churches and individuals/business people to help them in caring and providing for the basic needs of these children. That'sROH in a nutshell. Eventually, they became a legally recognized non-profit, complete with a Board of Directors and have also been awarded the County's honors for Child Protective Services Agency of the Year on more than one occassion.

I met Laura at my first informational meeting for a program I wanted to start for teen moms. In June 2007 I sent a letter out to 30 various chrches in my town, trying to garner support from the church body to help these young mothers. I briefly described my own experiences in being a teenage mother as well as what it was like to have to make a decision to not have an abortion. Twice.

Once as a teen, and again as a grown woman, happily married with 3 living children.

In the letter I mentioned how I wanted to reach out to these girls and that it is the churches responsiblity as a Body to help them. I was going to host a meeting and asked all those that were interested to come and share in their ideas as to what we can do. I firmly believe that I was given scripture for this ministry, based on the story in John chapter 5. There was a paralytic man at the pool of Bethesda that was waiting for an Angel of the Lord to stir the waters; for whoever was sick and was able to be the first into the waters after the Angel stirred them would be healed.

Upon waiting on the porch, Jesus appeared to the man and asked him if he wanted to be made well. He said yes, but had no one to help him get into the water. Jesus told him to get up and walk. He had been healed. And so he did.

This passage really spoke to my heart because I feel like so many of these girls want to change and get their lives in order, but they have no one to help them. Ultimately, it is Jesus that does all of the work, but it takes a change in them to see the change He made for them. To Him be all the honor and glory.


"The man went away, and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well..." John 5:15


So needless to say, out of the 30 letters that I sent out, only a handful of people came to my meeting and they were all from one church. Except Laura. She was a friend of Caroline. And Caroline, by the way, is the wife of Fred. The man at the abortion clinic.

Now as the Lord would have it, a couple of weeks before I sent out this letter to the churches, I met with the head Pastor of the church where the MOPS meetings are held. MOPS is a mom's group (Mothers of PreSchoolers) that I was intimatley involved with during the tumultuous time with Charlotte. I was also attending a weekly Bible study at this church, so as things progressed with Charlotte, many people were praying for us. And many people knew of the situation.

Going into meeting the head Pastor of the church was initially to discuss budgeting and things like that for our group. But midway through our conversation, I expressed to him how much his congregation had reached out to us and helped us through that time. Then out of no where, I blurted out (yet again!) that perhaps we should start a Teen MOPS program or something of the sort. I was really taken aback at my boldness, because up until that point, I hadn't given this much thought. I had no details to work out because I had no idea where to start. He agreed to discuss it more with me and that was the end of the meeting. I woke up later that night with a heavy burden on my heart to write the Pastor a note thanking him for taking the time to meet with us and I reiterated my sincerity on starting a group of some sort for teen moms.

He responded back within a few hours and put me in contact with Caroline.

I met with her two days later and it was exhilerating! Our conversation was awesome. We talked about Charlotte (she already knew) and I let her in on my own experience in having a child at 17. I told her that I seriously considered abortion but chose to keep the baby. I had no idea that she was married to the man I'd met at the abortion clinic almost 2 years earlier.

She told me that she and her husband (Fred) had been praying for a long while about this type of thing that I was trying to do. She actually said that just 2 years before (or thereabouts), they had considered taking over the pregnancy center or revamping it to target teens, I think. She said that she felt a calling for it, but it just wasn't for them to do just yet, so they "sat on it" as she said, and waited for God to bring the right person to her.
Woah! Tears flooded my eyes. She smiled quietly.

It was so exciting.

I knew...just KNEW... I was right where I was supposed to be.

So we talked a few more times and it was she and 3 other people that came to the meeting. And she invited her dear friend... Laura, the Director of Ray of Hope.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

The start of it all...

While I was pregnant, I had collected the necessary things to bring home baby. I had the high chair, bassinet, clothes, crib. But no baby to bring home.

I had decided that I would offer these things to a teen mom, but didn't know where to find one. I called the local higschools to see if they knew of one or two girls that may need this kind of thing and they directed me to the Adult Education Center. When I contacted them, I was surprised to learn that they had an actual program set up for teen moms to help them get their high school diploma while providing childcare and basic educational needs.

The woman I first had contact with was very nice and patient as I stuttered out that I had some things I'd like to give away. I didn't share the reason why, but I had a huge lump in my throat just the same. She told me that there are several girls there and to just *come on in* and take a look. Again, the doors of my mouth open and out flies a question something to the effect of "Well, do you have a Mentoring program there?" Huh? Did I say that out loud?

So she says "no" and that she would "love to hear any suggestions I might have". Gulp. There's the lump. I promptly hung up the phone and didn't call back for about 3 weeks. Seriously, it scared me. First of all, I don't know where that came from. Secondly, I thought it was too big for me. Here I was, feeling like Jonah. I was telling God I didn't want to go. But He had other plans.

During that time, my neighbor found a backpack in the alley between our houses. My neighbor brought the backpack into my house and left it there, I suppose for me to take care of it. Inside the sack were books and papers that didn't have any clear identifying information on them. The handwriting looked immature and heavy on the lead. I called a couple of the elementary schools to ask if they had a student by the name of **X*** and none of them did! What was I supposed to do now? This thing was a mess.

I kept the bag for a week or two on my kitchen table and finally it occurred to me that this bag belongs to someone that goes to the Adult Education Center. I figured out that the text books are from an ESL student. I felt so smart! Shortly after, I put the bag in my car with every intention to drop it by the center. But the opportunity never came up. Everytime I thought about it, I had the kids with me. And really, who wants to take a bunch of kids in and out of the car just to drop off a backpack? So there it stayed, in my car, for another week or two. Then one day, I was out and about without anyone, I realized it was time to turn it in.

When I drove there and parked, it dawned on me.. Hey! This is the same place with the teen moms! Ok Lord, very funny. An added irony in that is the alley where the backpack was found is sealed off and only the neighborhood kids go back there to play basketball.

Anyway, I turned in the backpack and meandered over to the area for the teen moms. I met with the woman over the phone and shared my heart with her. From there, I decided to volunteer once a week in the classrooms. My goal was just to befriend these girls. To let them know someone does care about them and to show them the love of Jesus.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

In the beginning....

In the Spring of 2006 I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child. Just a day after being told that we were going to have a baby girl (July 31st), I was informed that she would most likely not survive life outside the womb.

It was a terribly difficult time in my life but also a time that I would not want to miss. Like most things I have lived through, I have been able to recognize the hand of God working. I'm so thankful for that because had I not been able to see it, I surely would have given up.

Right before I got pregnant with Charlotte, I had tried once to be a sidewalk counselor at the local abortion clinic. I remember the day well. I had signed up to volunteer at a church a few weeks prior. I spoke with a man there named Fred. I had all 3 of my kids with me and the church was hosting a Ministry Faire. I shot across the quad and made my way to his table. I explained to him that I was interested in helping out because I once faced an unplanned pregnancy. He gave me directions and a time to be there.

When I arrived at the clinic, I was so nervous. Not only did I not know anyone I was "meeting" there, I didn't know what to expect from the people who were going into the clinic. I'd seen TV reports of really hostile situations at abortion clinics before, what if a fight broke out there or something?? All of the signs the Protesters were holding were disgusting. Bloody baby parts laying next to a dime. People shouting to Mothers as they pulled into the parking lots. People praying with Rosaries on the sidewalks. It was crazy.

I understand why the Protesters use the tactics they do. They have all of about 15 seconds to grab the attention of the patients going into the clinic, hoping to make an impact. Hoping to stop the killing of innocent babies. Hoping to change the minds of the moms. But I wonder if they really understand the reasons why Mothers are going in there in the first place. They feel like there is no hope. No other way of dealing with this "problem". Many of them haven't thought of the life growing inside of them in terms of it being a baby. Showing a tiny foot the size of a pencil eraser with it's leg missing is one way to illustrate loudly that there is a life growing within.

One of the things that bothered me the most about it were some of the responses that were given by the people going in. I heard things like "I prayed about it and God has already forgiven me" or the 'ol stand by of flipping us off as we plead with them to turn back.

There were two sets of people that impacted me that day. One was a young man taking a young woman in. He looked to be in his mid-twenties and she an older teen. He held the door open for her as they went in together. Others around me were shouting "Murderer!" and "You don't have to do this..." and ""Your killing a baby!". I stood there stunned that he even opened the door for her. I know that 's a stupid thing to get fixated on, but I thought to myself, how can he be such a gentleman as he ushers her into the killing zone?

He came out to have a cigarette about 20 minutes later and got in a yelling match with Fred. We were separated by a wrought iron fence and a low hedge. Honestly, I was a little scared. My adrenaline was pumped because I wanted to go in and rip that girl off of the table, but couldn't. When the men quieted down, I walked as close as I could get to the man smoking and begged him to take her home. I didn't have a clue what their situation was and I didn't care. I just knew they were about to kill a baby. I started telling him that Joseph must have been terrified too. That his girlfriend (Mary) was about to have a baby that wasn't his and that he had been chosen to care for that child. This guy could do it too! He just needed to get up and take her home. I don't know where those words came from. They flew out of my mouth without a second thought. I truly felt desparate. He was much nicer in speaking with me, well, actually he just listened, didn't say much back. He finished his cigarette and went inside. About an hour or two later, they walked out together, holding hands. She had a newspaper or towel or something covering her face.

Shortly after that, a woman drove into the parking lot in a big SUV. She and a younger woman got out and headed in. I found my voice to say "You don't have to go in there! We can help you." The older woman flipped us off and proceeded in.

When the older woman came out (leaving the younger one behind) I walked in stride with her to her car. We were still separated by the fence and in a moment... by the slamming of her car door. So I waited. It must have gotten hot in there because she rolled her window down. She lit a cigarette and puffed away with a very agitated look on her face. I tried to talk to her but she was already defensive. I asked her why she would take someone into a building to go kill their baby. She said they had no choice. That her daughter (the younger woman) already had a few kids and the doctors told her that this one could cause serious health issues for her and probably wouldn't live anyway. That they HAD to terminate the pregnancy. She said I had no idea how hard this is... what do I know? I tried to tell her that God has everything undercontrol. That they didn't have to do this. I told her that I have a blood incompatibility issue and doctors tell me it could be serious with each pregnancy, but please, don't kill that baby. She got really pissed a couple of times and rolled the window back up. But when the heat of the car got to be too much, I was still there waiting. Eventually, she got back out of the car and waited inside. I really don't remember what else we said to each other. But I clearly remember what the feeling was that I had. I was defeated and my hands were tied.

All of the girls going inside were not outwardly pregnant looking. Except this one. She had a round belly that was only accentuated by the loose sweat pants and T-shirt she was wearing. The sunshine of that morning lit up her auburn colored hair like fire.

And again, an hour or so passed and they came out. The younger woman looking down. The older hurrying her along.

It is almost errily quite when someone walks out of the clinic. Most eyes do not meet. No Protesters shouting. No howling prayers. Just the rumble of a car's engine racing to leave the parking lot to get outta there like it's evil.

At one point I got up the courage to cross the line and go inside the clinic to see for myself what it looked like. I had been warned that I would probably get yelled at to get out of there, but since it was my first time, no one would recognize me as a Protester and to be careful.

I was so saddened to see the room. There were rows and rows of really uncomfortable looking waiting room chairs. Cold metal frames and vinyl seats. There was a reception counter with 2 or 3 ladies working away, answering phones. They chatted about their microwaveable lunches and plans for the weekend. They seemed so normal. Didn't they know what was going on in the room behind them? Blood was being shed. They didn't care. They had a smile too big on their face when I walked in. Didn't they know babies were dying?


I was so nervous. I asked for a *price sheet*, hoping that somehow them hearing me phrase like that would jerk them into the reality of what's goin on. But it didn't. One of the women passed me a business card and discreetly wrote on the back of it. It was disgusting. (The *Gen* is for General Anesthesia). It costs less than $500 to kill a baby. So after a few hours it was all over. I guess that most of the appointments are done in the morning. It was about 1pm or so when I left.

As soon as I got in the car and headed towards the freeway, I burst into tears. What the heck did I just see? It took me the 20 minute drive home to compose myself. I just cried and cried.

When I got home, I felt so alive! I hugged and kissed my kids. I felt so much love for them. That night I emailed my dad and sister the report of my day. I felt as if I was telling them the accounts of a foreign war and I was on the firing lines. It was gut wrenching.

Needless to say, it left a mark on me. I wanted to make a committment to going back but it was difficult. I couldn't arrange for babysitters and shortly after, I found out I was expecting. I didn't think I could handle being there while I was pregnant, so I have yet to return.